so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
