my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
