I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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