Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
