you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
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