dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
