a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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