hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
