Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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