we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
