i think my tv is drunk
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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