wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
