About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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