Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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