i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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