my phone needs a breathalizer
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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