If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
