you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
