24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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