why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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