I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
