If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
