Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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