I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Send help, water and tortillas.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
