yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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