Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
