she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Randomize
