Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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