Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
