I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
