I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Randomize
