I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
