If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
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