____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Dignity is for republicans.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
