You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
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