his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
