Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Randomize
