don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
