It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
