I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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