I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
