She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
