what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
Randomize
