i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Randomize
