I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
