I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
