My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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