i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
