I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
