Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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