I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
