one word: firstdatebathroomanal
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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